Being generous and forgiving are the two biggest factors in being human, according to Troy Byer, an accredited oncologist. Oncology is the study of being human. Troy’s interest in human beings took flight once her ex-husband’s Holocaust surviving father made a decision to attend a seminar called Landmark Education and upon his return, disclosed that he forgave Hitler.
Troy decided she needed that kind of self cleansing in her own life and quickly signed up for the class. With her life completely transformed, Troy wanted to give that gift to others. One of the first people in her life to receive this gift that keeps on giving is Troy’s mother. They’ve completely transformed their relationship, considering Troy was taken from her mother as a child. Now, they’re best friends.
Troy has been able to apply everything she’s learned to her writing career and develop her book, Ex-Free: 9 Keys to Freedom After Heartbreak. Yes, there is a way to get over an ex without downing a quart of ice cream and washing it down with a can of Reddi Whip. So many of us hold on to our exes, sometimes unintentionally and it ruins our chances of being able to move on in the future. In her own life—personal and professional—Troy promotes emotional health and clearly in order to do so, she has to have a strong emotional health, boasting a healthy perspective of her challenges.
What does it mean to be a transformational coach?
A transformational coach is someone who specializes in altering the disposition of another person. It’s not changing because if you change something it’s still the old thing. Transforming is [making something] like never before. It’s a disposition. People don’t get that you really get to choose your life. That’s what we teach people—how to design and create your life.
What did your learning process consist of?
I went through six years of very intense training. The main thing you do is; you have to transform all the areas in your life because you can’t be a stance for someone else’s transformation unless you’ve gone first. That take a lot of work, but with the right coaching, it’s possible. That’s the main thing; I had to transform areas in my life that weren’t working.
If there was one thing from your very first experience with the seminar that you would want everyone to know, what would that be?
My life does not have to be impacted by my past. My past can really stay in the past.
That’s exactly what you’re teaching now, in your new book Ex-Free?
That’s right. Very good. That’s a nice connection. I never made that connection before.
Your book, Ex-Free: Nine Keys to Freedom After Heartbreak is basically a tool women and men alike can use to get past their exes. Clearly, you’ve been able to do that, sharing an incredible relationship with your ex husband, his current wife, her ex and his wife. Explain that relationship!
The number one thing is forgiveness—just being able to forgive. Conceptually, it sounds great, but when you think about forgiving someone that has hurt you so much, it’s almost an impossible endeavor. What I teach in my course is, not only will you be able to forgive the past, you will be able to use the past as a launching pad for your future. It’s because of the heartbreak I had with my ex, I was able to create a future. What I learned from those experiences, I’m now able to teach others.
What about negative feelings, especially when you’re an ex, dealing with your ex’s current wife…?
They definitely surface. I’m not going to say it doesn’t. But, I get to check myself before I wreck myself. That’s one of the things that I also teach. Yes, jealousy, envy and anger will come up, but that is a circumstance. It’s not who you are. Headaches are a circumstance, not who you are. Heartbreak is a circumstance, it’s not who you are. Heartbreak is no different from a headache. It’s what you are experiencing. You decide if that headache or heartbreak is going to last forever or take the necessary steps to alleviate that heartbreak. Most people confuse themselves with their circumstances. They think, “Ok, since I have a broken heart, I must be broken.” So they treat themselves as if they’re broken. If you had a headache, you wouldn’t treat yourself like a headache. It’s very simple.
What inspired you to share this?
So many people were saying, “How do you get along with your ex-husband? What’s your secret? What are you doing?” Really, I just started taking notes when I had an altercation with my ex. Things come up and I thought, “Oh ok, great. That’s just the circumstance.” Then I’d start writing about that and it would start growing. My ex is not easy. He’s not one of these passive types that sits in the corners. He’s got an A type personality and arrogant. I just thought, “If I want to teach it, I will have to first experience it and learn the lesson to where I can teach it to others.”
What else is there to write about after you’re free from your ex?
My next book is called Create a Mate. It’s designing—like you design your dream house, we design your dream partner. We go over everything from his background, how many kids he wants or has, what he looks like, what his mother’s about. It works well after you’ve freed yourself from your past.
So you are sticking with relationships with your books?
Yes. I love relationships! I want to write a book about raising a child as soon as I learn the lessons from that one. I’m in the training field in that one. One thing for sure, I can’t write about anything until I have experienced it. Right now, I am in the stages of my own creating a mate. I have three wonderful finalists.
That must be nice!
It’s good. It’s really fun! I’m having a great time dating. I wanted a man who has children already who aren’t beyond the age of five, preferably with an ex-wife I wouldn’t have to transform.—just a good guy. You just have to be clear on what you want and when you’re clear, you’ll have it.
What’s the biggest misconception that women have about love?
That it’s not a creation. They think it’s supposed to be that way and men are supposed to read our minds and just now. We get mad as hell when they don’t. Love is a creation that needs to be created everyday.
What is your ultimate goal in transformational coaching?
My long term goal is to be a global transformational speaker—to travel all over the world. I’m actually learning Chinese right now. I want to lead workshops and my goal is to lead in Chinese, Spanish and English.
What’s next for Troy?
I’m committed to having my own talk show, travelling and speaking globally.