For some ungodly reason, I have not been able to keep a man in all my years of dating. Is it me, Lord?
Do any of us really know what we’re doing when it comes to dating? Ok, my life coach (a glorified and less expensive therapist) always tells me to not to involve everyone else in my issues, so let me rephrase that. I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to dating, but I can’t be alone, right? It that better?
I’ve got relationship goals. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am single and I am ready to be in a relationship. It’s very easy for me to meet men, a little bit harder to get them to ask me on dates, and keeping them, it’s damn near impossible!
I don’t have resting b*tch face, so almost daily, a man approaches me. He likes my smile. Or the way my right foot turns in when I walk. Or he sees my booty jiggle in my sundress. I have no trouble meeting men, but keeping one? You might as well ask me the principles behind rocket science. Here’s a hint–I know nothing about rocket science, rockets or science.
Take Kevin, for example. We met and dated two years ago, for about three weeks. We went through the typical questions, “What’s your favorite color,” “When was your last relationship,” “What’s your favorite drink?” The getting-to-know-you phase of the relationship is honestly one of my favorites. There’s so much excitement in discovering details about your partner’s life, until those details don’t match the things you want, like or appreciate. Then, those details are like tiny nails in the coffin of yet another failed attempt at love.
When Kevin looked at me and answered, “I don’t drink,” a little pebble hop-scotched its way down my esophagus and settled into the pit of my gut.
“Recovering alcoholic?” I laughed, trying to make light of the moment.
“Not exactly. I’ve been there, done that and I threw away my T-shirt,” Kevin smiled, allowing the top left corner of his mouth to create a solitary dimple on that side of his smile. God, I love that smile. He continued, “I don’t drink or smoke. My only real vice is football,” he shrugged.
That same pebble from my gut jumped up and climbed its way up my throat and choked me.
Vices aren’t set in stone. We can all quit them if we want to, but most of the time, vices equal addictions. My biggest addiction? Mary Jane. I love to roll up a joint each night to get my mind to calm down, and also, I love getting high.
“What about you?” Kevin asked, “Any vices?”
“Well…” I wanted to lie to him because I didn’t want him to think that I was an addict, but something weird happened; I told the truth. “I do drink, socially. And…” The words were caught on my tongue. I just needed to spit it out, but I hesitated because I was scared he was going to judge me.
I’d never dated someone who at the very least didn’t drink. So revealing that I not only drink, but love to puff, was scary.
“And…” Kevin asked, smiling that gorgeous smile of his. I stared at his dimple.
“And I smoke sometimes too,” I said, hypnotized by the solitary dimple.
His demeanor changed. Shoulders slouched. Head hung. The corner of his lips slowly moved downward.
“I take it, you really hate that,” I said in a tone that matched his body language.
“I don’t love it,” Kevin laughed. Damn that dimple.
The chemistry between Kevin and I should have surpassed his dislike of my extracurricular activities, but one month in, when he met up with me after dinner with friends (where we drank and smoked), he said, “I know you drank and smoke. I can’t control that. I asked you not to do it around me and you haven’t, but I know when you’re not with me, you’re doing one of the things I hate the most.”
I decided the easiest way to date him and still keep my independent life was to do the things he hated when he wasn’t around. But that just didn’t work anymore.
I stared at his dimple, “I like you. I want to be around you, but I enjoy drinking and smoking. Those are parts of my life that I am not quitting, at least not now…” The words felt heavy on my tongue, so I stopped short.
I realize that we all have to have some level of compromise and possible change in our lives when we’re dating people. But I wasn’t ready to stop smoking or drinking to be with Kevin, no matter how cute his dimple was. Before we ever got a chance to get started, we were done.
These are the types of situationships I find myself in and now I’m ready for a relationship.
In this #RelationshipGoals column, I’ll be sharing my dating fiascos (like Kevin’s story and who knows, he might be back!) and hopefully I’ll learn from them. But here’s the truth, I am a stubborn woman who keeps letting herself get in her own way!
But don’t for one second think that I am taking all the blame here in my failed attempts at love, some of these men…yeah, they’ve had their hands in the mess too.
This column is going to be a collection of my dating nightmares (read: lessons) that are ultimately going to lead to me getting my man. Right? I’m gonna get my man, right?