You Don’t Want A Man, You Just Want People To Know You’ve Got One

rhoa-recap-porsha-dukeWhen Porsha Williams (yes, the “Real” housewife of Atlanta who isn’t real nor a housewife) had the bright idea of having a “Sip & See”  for her friends and family to meet her “man,” Duke Williams (no relation or ring), I knew I had to say something. Ugh, awkward.

I am from the winding country roads of Rocky Mount, North Carolina, but I have never once heard of a “Sip & See” until Porsha’s fellow cast member, Phaedra Parks decided to have one for her loved ones to meet her new son, Ayden. That was cute.

However, Porsha’s “Sip & See” for her man, Duke–I can’t remember everything that was done or said at this uncomfortable celebration and I don’t care enough to Google to find the video, but let’s just say…she had a party to introduce a man she’d only been casually dating for a short time. Rumor has it, the two Williamses had only been dating for about four months before Porsha confirmed the cheating and broke baller rumors on social media to save face.

To say Porsha jumped the gun in this relationship is an understatement. But I’m not saying this from a place of hate or ridicule (whether or not you giggle), but from a place of empathy. I can honestly say, I feel you Porsha. I sometimes (ok, a lot of the time, ok, most of the time) count my chickens before they hatch when I am dating someone and we’re spending quality time together and things are going well.

Thoughts of, “he’s the one,” or “I could see myself with him” swirl in my head when he does or says the right things. I have no way of knowing, other than Porsha’s “Sip & See” for Duke, but I’m pretty sure she does the same thing.

Porsha even takes a step farther–she wants to create a public forum to celebrate the relationship she’s proud of, one she believes she deserves. I get that too.

I wanted a man for the wrong reasons. Like Porsha, I wanted a man so I can show him off. I wanted Instagram to hashtag my picture with #RelationshipGoals. I wanted my friends blowing up my texts, asking me for nuggets of wisdom of how I got him. I wanted to be one of those girls who could relate absolutely anything anyone ever said to something about her man. I wanted a man, but more importantly, I wanted the world to know that I had one.

My priorities of being taken have left me single. I got myself here.

But now, for the first time, I’ve gotten my priorities in order. Me first, then Him–not a man, but God. If there’s any relationship I want people to see, it’s the one I have with Him. The relationship that allows me clarity and makes me quality. The relationship that makes me whole.

I understand now what it means to work on yourself. I used to claim that cliche in between failed attempts at love to make myself feel better. “I’m going to take this time to focus on me.” I never followed through. I’d focus on getting the next guy. Or I’d pour myself into work, leaving no free time to even wonder about someone.

For me, working on myself looks like a lot of things:

  • I’ve taken personal development classes that have helped me advance my career and have helped me truly love and accept myself.
  • I’ve created results from goals.
  • I’ve made the space for love by choosing it and choosing to be vulnerable, responsible and loving.
  • I’ve engaged in my own love language and understand what I need in a relationship.
  • I’ve uncovered what I have to offer in a relationship.
  • I don’t need validation in others or to show others that I have a man

My relationship with God will keep me from grasping at straws or having premature Sip & Sees to celebrate my “man.” It’s made me ok with me and confident that the man who gets me will be quality and won’t make me so insecure about having a love of my own that I need to publicize him. Our love will be ours.

I do want a man, but not because I want you to know that I have one. I want a man because someone deserves me.

 

 

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